Taking care of yourself first!!! Day 23
Jul 31, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWA6cAE3-vc

[Music]
happy Monday Wow a new week
I'm just every week that we get just a
little further it's like I'm making it
each week stronger and stronger it's
such an amazing feeling but I got up
this morning early since esfir decided
to think she needed to be up at 7
o'clock this morning yeah my daughter is
like she's off on her sleeping schedule
like I'm not sure what has occurred with
her and her sleeping but let me tell you
she is just she is something else right
now with her sleeping schedule so that
inquired me to be awake because she she
was awake and so I have been up since
7:00 and it is now 9:30 I am sitting
here just having some downtime before I
go into counseling
sometimes that's needed just to kind of
you know just take in everything that's
happened over the week and just surface
everything out and prepare myself to go
into counseling because I always want to
go in with such a clear mind so that I
really get the the best benefits out of
my counseling sessions every single time
you know because I always leave there
feeling so refreshed and so just like
I've taken a few more steps in my
recovery and a few more steps in my
healing every single week that I go into
my counseling so that's a really great
feeling and that's why I so look forward
to my counseling sessions because I
really feel like just each week that I
go I know I'm doing so much more for
myself and it's an amazing feeling
like I truly truly just I
love my counseling I love it and I love
my counselor which makes it a lot nicer
people looking around I always get so
worried that someone's gonna like try
and open my car door or something I know
anxiety sometimes sometimes gets the
best of me but yeah I stopped a Dutch
brothers and got me my tea and then um
I'm just sitting here I've got about 20
minutes before session starts so I think
I'm just gonna sit here and just read a
little bit and take a little bit of time
down and then go into counseling so I
will talk to you guys soon
oh and one more thing okay so I it was
brought up to my attention that some
people don't feel comfortable putting
their their names on their profiles for
their YouTube channels or YouTube just
subscriptions in general and that they
don't like showing their name when
there's like subscribing to people and
that's I totally understand like I
really really do so you know I am gonna
take it for what it is and I'm gonna let
everybody join no matter if I can see
your name or not but I really do need
everybody to email me their name if they
want to be put into the drawing for the
box which I'm gonna be exciting showing
today and so I really just need
everybody to just email me your names
though so that way then I have that and
that way then I can just start making a
list of all the names that want to be
put into the drawing and don't worry
about the subscription name I understand
like I mean I've been there so don't
worry
like totally please don't stress because
I don't want nobody to be left out just
because of you know things that they may
be personally going through that maybe I
don't know about maybe that's why they
don't want to have their name put up
there so please do not feel excluded
please please please just email me your
name and I'll put you into the drawing
so anyways I'm going to go so I can have
a few minute
and then I will talk to you guys when I
get out hey
okay so I'm back from my counseling
session I actually just pulled in to the
driveway I was gonna check in with you
guys after I got out of the counseling
session but there was like a car trying
to get into my parking spot so I'm like
so I figured I would just check in with
you guys what I got to the house anyways
it was an amazing session as always
great topic so they think I'm gonna
probably talk about tonight actually
later because it's a it's a nice
conversation too to talk about so I
think that's what I'm gonna do is save
that topic for later but it was a very
good session as usual I love it now I'm
gonna go in the house and see what my
chickens and my husband are up to
because it is 11:30 and I'm just hoping
that my husband is awake well
awake he's awake but showered so that we
can go and get things done that need to
get done if we have any running around
to do because it's gonna be another hot
day so I'd rather do it now then go out
when it's really hot so Amy whoo all
right I will check him here again with
you guys so my sweet lovely children
wanted it all of these cookies and I was
such a good mommy and I let them have
them but they nicely sat right next to
me but I did not even take one
they weren't even anything that looked
good to me at the moment and this was my
yummy dinner it is stuffed zucchini with
meat and some other stuff I'm not for
sure exactly how my husband made it but
let me tell you it was so good and it
was 600 calories but I had plenty of
calories today that I was able to eat
that type of a dinner and feel so good
about it
good evening yes we're at the end Monday
what a day it has been well let me just
tell you there let's just start there
today was it was a trying day you know I
had my counseling this morning and that
just went fantastic I you know like I've
said before I love having my counseling
days because it just refreshes me and
gets me started for the week and I'm
able to just take you know bits and
pieces and parts of each session and
applying it to my everyday life for the
rest of that week and so I love starting
my week with my counseling so Monday's
are a great day in that aspect some of
the things that we talked about you know
kind of gets a little you know itchy you
know it's like ooh can sometimes be a
little uncomfortable because you're
talking about things that sometimes just
you know you're digging up feelings and
sometimes that's uncomfortable and so
I'll cover some more of that here soon
but I needed to address a few things
before I forget which I made a little
list because I like to get on here and
then start rambling and completely
forget when I was talking about or what
needed to be talked about so I made a
list okay the first thing is as I said I
was gonna show the Box tonight but I did
accomplish a getting the box I did get
that part um but my babies especially
Ezra my daughter has been so cranky
today
that anything that I was doing she would
just cry and cry I I really think she's
coming down with a little bit of a
summer cold I noticed a lot
a bit of wetness under her nose and I'm
like oh no oh I don't want this in my
house um and so she's just been very
clingy and crying and just so um - I
think she's breaking her two-year-old
molars
so it's not been the best day on happy
camper children so I decided to wait to
put the box together till I can really
focus on everything I'm trying to do
with that box because when I give the
box it's coming straight from my heart
and I want to be a hundred percent
present when I'm making that box for the
special person that receives it so I did
not get the box together but that will
be coming and the the drawing isn't for
a little while so we're okay on time and
I'm still trying to get names in and
stuff like that so there's definitely no
rush I just wanted because I had said
that I was gonna do the box showing
tonight and unfortunately life happened
today and my daughter just really needed
my pretty much represent attention today
so yeah that didn't happen um tomorrow
is gonna be our live I'm so excited I
just I'm still hoping I can figure this
all out that's gonna be the trick but I
don't see why it's gonna be something
hard I just have to really play with
this and hope that it all works that's
the work that I'm opening it's gonna
work if for some reason you guys I don't
come live at my time I'm gonna do 7
o'clock p.m. so if I do not come live at
the time that my 7 p.m. to your time it
could be that there's a malfunction and
I'm having a really hard time figuring
out the live but be patient I promise
I'm gonna be figuring this all out I'm
gonna play around with it tonight and
hope that I can get all the little kinks
out that way when so no puck comes my
time tomorrow we will be alive when we
get to chitchat for an hour that's gonna
be exciting I'm really excited so that's
a really exciting thing to work towards
um today I went ahead and did my now yes
I did um I don't know if you can see him
clearly
[Music]
they're just gel with pink overlay and a
glitter something fun but I don't like
not having my nails done so I has you
guys seen yesterday at the beach I was
just like ripping him off but the Dollar
Tree ones I'm gonna give it to them they
lasted longer than I was expecting I
thought that they were gonna be off
within a couple of days and they lasted
for almost two weeks and then I just
hadn't noticed when we were at the coast
at the beach that um a few of them were
just cracking a little bit and so they
were gonna get stuck I'd like caught on
something and I didn't want something to
tear him so I decided to just take him
off and I would be better safe than
sorry
and so I sat today and put a new set on
and these are gel overlays so really
comfortable I love them very plain plain
gern but they kind of go with my shirt
so I guess that's applause um so another
thing that I'm gonna be working towards
is and I somebody has told me about this
don't remember exactly boo and I would
say if I remember it but I get so many
messages and I ever get name sometimes
but I promise I do remember the comment
because that's what it was like trigger
music oh yeah um but you know it's fun
to sometimes fantasize what it will be
like to be able to move into a new phase
of style on clothing and and things like
that and so I received my August
for the book I get them every month of
course they've got all the beautiful
cute ones you know because they're
calling my name um
and I'm really having to ground myself
and behave because like I love buying
clothes like that's just my niche like
that's my thing
but because I'm losing weight I'm really
really really trying to not buy things
because I don't want to buy something
now that's gonna fit me now and then
shortly down the road you know it might
be too big like I have a couple things
already that are getting fairly loose on
me and it's a great feeling but then
it's like oh like this Buckland and so I
don't want a lot of those experiences
right now as in I just don't want to
have to go and buy a whole bunch of
clothes right now so I'm gonna make what
to do with what I have which it's gonna
be a while before I can like be like oh
my gosh my clothes are you know feeling
like rags on me but I love looking
through the book and just looking at
some of the styles that you know some of
the models and and I'm not looking at
the body itself I'm like oh that's what
I want to look like no but what I like
to look at are different things that I
you know that are so cute that I would
wear if I wasn't as big just from self
you know self conscious feelings and
stuff like that but like that is so so
cute and I can't wait to be able to buy
some of these type of outfits of course
these ones will probably be you know
down the line probably a little you know
probably probably not even available by
the time I get there but what I'm gonna
do is I'm gonna find outfits that I
really like I like this one it's got
like some jeans and the cardigan is very
cute um so what I'm planning to do is I
have another one of these I bought quite
a few of them when I got them for my
weight charts which I still have tons
more for each of my
Wiggles but what I'm gonna do is I'm
gonna take this poster board decorate it
and then things that like outfits that I
find that are just oh my gosh so acute
what I'm gonna do is I find something
that's oh so cute okay I can take it and
cut around it and place it to that board
because that would be something that's
an encouragement of like oh my gosh like
these are things I would love to be able
to wear and another time of the phase of
my journey so anyways that's gonna be
something kind of fun so I'm gonna start
saving my catalogs as they come in and
work on that I think it would be kind of
fun and something kind of just to give
myself a visualization like I told you
before I work on visible visible talk I
work on being able to visualize things
so if I see those things then I'm just
more triggered - oh my gosh I think I'm
gonna be able to do that here soon so
like one of my ultimate dreams which my
husband didn't even know this actually I
just shared this with him like two weeks
ago one of my ultimate dreams is to rock
climb I want to rock climb and I've
always been fascinated with rock
climbers and he's like I never knew move
out of you and I'm like yeah Maya is
just something that's always been
intriguing to me like I truly love
watching rock climbing and and I want to
be a part of it like I want to do that
and so one of the things that I thought
about doing was looking up a picture of
rock climbing because that's a goal that
I want to get to is being able to rock
climb going on a hot-air balloon ride
that's another one of my dreams I would
never imagine myself at this age age oh
you do your double um at this stage of
I'm out right now I don't think that I
would be I wouldn't enjoy myself in a
balloon right now I think I would be
constantly worried about my weight
pulling us down and if it's gonna get
off the ground and you know that type of
stuff so to be able to have those things
as goals but be able to really visualize
it because I could cut those pictures
out and put them somewhere where I can
see them that's such a great reminder
and it's such an amazing thing that you
can do it and personalize it just for
yourself and not for anybody else so
that's my next thing that I'm gonna
start working on is my board so let's
see moving along let's talk about
tonight
so today during counseling we were
talking about putting myself where where
I put myself in line of taking care of
myself and taking care of others and for
so long probably all my life I've always
been a people pleaser I've always wanted
to do what would make others happy or
what I think I would be accepted by and
always wanting to fix people's problems
like that has always been my thing is
I've always wanted to fix everything and
if I can't fix something I feel like
I've let that person down and in reality
not only do I feel like I let the person
down but then I turn to what my comfort
is and I comfort myself which is with
food because food's always been my
comfort and so we were talking today and
you know I I told my counselor I said
you know I really lately you know I get
on messengers
Facebook but I don't get on actual
Facebook very often anymore and she said
well how come and I said well because I
find myself sometimes falling into the
fixing mode and when I say that is if I
see a friend struggling and I will
immediately get emotionally invested and
I want to know what's going on I want to
know you know are they okay what can I
do to help go as far as making phone
calls for them to figure out if I can
make things happen so that you know
they're not struggling and and in the
end if I can't fix that not only did I
just take the view off of myself for
what I need to do for my own issues but
now I just took my energy and put it on
something else
and now I couldn't figure that issue out
so now it's time to sabotage and blame
myself and put myself down because I
couldn't fix that person's situation and
in reality it wasn't even my place to
fix it because that's not for me to fix
I need to fix myself and I have to put
myself on the first burner rather than
keep putting myself to the backburner
and always putting everybody's issues
ahead of my own and so I you know I told
her I said you know it's so amazing with
my community that I have grown so much
so so beautifully nowhere does anybody
feel like they have to fix each other's
situations but we can all be there to
encourage one another but we don't have
to fix everybody's problems and that
goes for me too like I love how we have
all put our
in and we all just send out positiveness
and encouragement and support and an ear
to hear but not once have I felt like oh
my gosh I'm putting myself in a position
that I have to start fixing people's
problems because nowhere have I been in
that position and I love it and but the
the difference is is on Facebook there's
a lot of personal because there are a
lot of people that I've known for a long
time physically you know and those
people sometimes look to other people to
figure out their problems and so I you
know I told my counselor I said so in
reality I kind of backed off from
Facebook a lot and have engaged so much
towards my channel towards my you know I
I don't like calling you guys my fans
because that's not I don't feel like
that I don't feel like you're my fans
that you're my subscribers I don't feel
like that I feel like we're such a great
community of friends that I don't feel
like you guys or myself are looking for
fixings we all just are going through a
lot of similar things and some are going
through total different things but not
once have I felt like there is a need to
fix the situation and that's such an
amazing amazing feeling is not feeling
like you have to fix the situation for
somebody but rather be the friend be the
ear to hear give a hand to hold but
don't put yourself in that actual
situation with them don't actually
physically put your emotions and that's
where I'm learning that there's a
difference between investing as a friend
and emotionally investing and I am
getting much better
with being that friends but not
emotionally having to invest that
problem that they might be facing
because I know in the end that's not
gonna be healthy for me and it's been
such an amazing feeling to be able to
start noticing the difference that I can
be such a different person but still be
that good friend that that people need
but not feel like I have to fix the
issue because in the end it's not my job
to fix people's problems my job is just
to be the friend that's there and to
continue keeping myself on the first
burner so that I can continue to work on
my needs and what I'm going through and
that way I can heal myself and then
maybe later on down the road I can
emotionally invest a little bit but I
will know my boundaries and I'll know my
limits and but because of my past I've
so every situation I ever was involved
in I emotionally invested every single
person and you just can't do that and be
a healthy person because you will never
have the time to take care of yourself
emotionally because your emotions are so
tied up with so many other people that
you can't take your eyes off of them to
put them back on yourself and my cup was
empty like I was so empty and so when it
was time for me to take a drink to help
myself there was nothing left so here
I'm standing dying of thirst because I
am so drained but I felt the need to put
myself for so many others that by the
time it was time
me to take my drink it was gone it was
so gone it was dried up so I'm little by
little learning to fill my cup back up
and and to keep it full for myself
because I have to have enough to drink
because if not then where where am I
going to end up back on the back burner
again with my health with my emotional
health with my mental health with my you
know my my binge eating with and I don't
know what's going on with my throat
right now but that's a little crazy my
daughter better not have given me
something but just you know being able
to learn the boundary of being a friend
and being emotionally invested friend
there is such a big difference and I'm
learning that so I am I really felt so
good leaving today with that
conversation with her because it just
made so much sense to me like wow you're
right I can't take care of two people
not right now I can't I have to be
selfish and I have to look on myself
first because if I don't take care of
myself then there's not gonna be
anything left to take care of even my
family and so it's been it was an
amazing amazing counseling session I
just yeah like I said before I leave
they're so filled back up and it gives
me so much to think about
throw the week that while I'm dealing
with things and going through things and
situations come up I can take back some
of those conversation that I had with my
counselor and say yeah you know what
this is a time that I can implant that
because this is probably one of those
situations where I would put myself
mostly invested but I just need to be
that friend so hopefully that will help
some people that might be in the same
situation because I think there's more
of us out there than few I I really
think that there's a lot of people that
emotional
invest themselves and sometimes in the
end they get hurt because the situation
doesn't end up the way that they were
hoping it was going to end up so then in
the end they think they failed because
they weren't able to fix the situation
that they emotionally put themselves in
and so they end up saying you know
hurting themselves by you know running
to food running to drugs alcohol
whatever it might be because they feel
so overwhelmed of sincere hurt because
they let their friend down because they
couldn't fix their friends problem so
just know if you struggle with that
you're not alone because I do the same
thing but I'm starting to learn that
there has to be a boundary because I
have to stay on the front burner I have
to look at myself first I have to meet
my first needs and then maybe branch out
but right now I can't branch out I can't
take on those problems because I'm not
in a position right now especially to
take on anything other than what I can
handle and that right now is me so
you're not alone and it's not an easy
thing because I sometimes I'm gonna have
to say I'm sorry you know I wish that I
could do more but I can be here as a
friend for you but I just don't know
what else I can do at this point that is
gonna be so hard for the day that that
comes that I have to say that because
again I'm a people pleaser I want to
make everybody happy I want to see
everybody smile I I want to give the
shirt off my back
to the homeless that I see walking on
the street it breaks my heart but at the
same time I have to remind myself you're
one person Amy and right now you're
going through a journey that is taking
you through tornadoes you need to take
care of yourself first and then you can
be invested for other things but right
now especially right now take a backpack
take a step back and let others be the
ones to invest is what I'm trying to say
so yes I just want to make that clear
that you're not alone another thing that
I had brought up to my counselor and it
was really hard this week again going
back to the I'm a people-pleaser
sometimes I look to certain people for
recognization for the I knew you could
do it and there's a very few amount of
people that I look for that and so on
Saturday when I weighed in and I lost
the 5 pounds I was so excited I was oh
my gosh I was over the moon I was
excited and then to realize wow I lost
27 pounds
oops which reminds me I need to color on
my pebbles with you guys tonight but you
know the oops oops
but the looking for somebody for that
encouragement I guess I'm trying to say
other than my husband cuz of course he
was just like high-five in you know
dancing around he was so excited but um
I was talking to my mom later on that
afternoon and I was like hey guess what
today is
and she was like oh I'm not sure what's
what's today and I said today was my
weigh-in day she was like oh okay she's
like aunt and I said I lost 5 pounds and
she's like oh oh good and I said yeah I
said that's 27 pounds in three weeks
she's like wow she's like well that's
good and I kind of sat there and I
thought
okay like that wasn't exactly what I
that wasn't the expression I guess I was
looking for I thought I was going to get
something a little bit more enthusiastic
and my counselor says well you know we
can't be responsible for other people's
responses you know we can just be
excited to share that news and hope that
you know they're excited or whatever but
you know we can't proclaim what we think
they should do and I was like you're
right you're right I probably shouldn't
have expected a different outcome
I shouldn't have pre-planned for a
different outcome because of course then
that's letting myself down and because
I'm not getting the outcome that I
envisioned but it kind of just opened my
eyes that don't ever sell yourself to
something or to someone for the
encouragement back because you might not
get it you might not get that
encouragement that you thought you're
gonna get you might not get that
enthusiastic congratulations I know you
could do it you know you might not get
that and it was hurtful it was I mean
I'm not gonna lie it really hurt because
I thought you know Here I am you know
and I'm not doing it for her no not at
all I'm doing it for myself but as my
mom I thought that I can turn to her to
give me that encouragement and that
excitement that I needed to hear at that
very moment but it also was such a
learning tool for me like okay you know
what that was a learning tool for me
that I can't look to other people to be
the excitement that I'm feeling because
there's any people would be in this
world that aren't gonna be excited for
me they wanna see me stay big they
want to see me staying low they don't
want to see me hill they don't want to
see me be at a healthy position in my
life where I can finally start doing
things for myself and for my or for for
myself and you know and with my family
so I'm not gonna always get that
reaction that I'm looking for and so it
was hurtful and I thought about it for a
couple of days honestly well yeah
because Saturday and then Sunday and
then today I brought it up to my
counselor and you know I I have let it
go since then since today as a I not
gonna continue to dwell in it and fumble
in it and be sad in it I just you know
I'm not gonna give that energy to that
situation but I just know from now on
that when I tell somebody something
don't expect the reaction that you're
planning because it might not be what
you're planning that's gonna be the
reaction and so you know it was okay and
you know I have to just move on and let
it go you know I really do I can't again
like I said I can't do Endel in it and
be stuck in that spot because it's just
I've got too much going on I've got you
guys that I love Todd you know chatting
with and talking with I get amazing
support from all of you guys that
honestly I don't need that I'm not gonna
say negativity because she wasn't
negative but she just didn't give me the
support I thought I was gonna get and so
I don't need to dwell in that when I get
so much more positive support just from
you guys and again you guys are the ones
that keep me grounded and keep me going
every single day because I could not
imagine doing this journey alone I
couldn't and because of all of you I am
just continuing to push every single day
because I desire this
change and I want to change with all of
you because there are so many of you
guys that are also challenging yourself
with weight loss and we're all in our
own walks of life as in where we're at
in our weight loss journeys but you know
what you all have to start somewhere
and today is never too late you know
it's never too late and again I I don't
think that I would 100% be as far as I
am today had it not be that I decided to
join and share my journey with everybody
to keep myself accountable but not just
that I want to be such a great
encouragement to others that there are
days that I feel so alone but then I go
back and I read my messages from you
guys and it's like I am not alone I have
so many people behind me that are just
pushing and pushing for me to continue
to go and that's what I need that's what
I want and that's what I'm here for so I
am just everyday so grateful for you
guys it's not even a second guess in my
mind if I made the right decision to do
what I have chosen to do because you
guys are so amazing and as I keep seeing
people joining the community of us all
it's just so wonderful because it's not
about numbers it's not about you know
where am I gonna land on this box of
YouTube channels you know but it's all
about the amazing people that we've all
become and how we are becoming even more
better from each of each other being
that friend that we all need so I'm just
so happy to have all of you guys it's
such an amazing feeling I love it
I was gonna say something Oh for dinner
tonight
I let see for breakfast I just had a
regular breakfast sandwich as usual
lunch I had an applesauce pouch I was
out sorry my light just died well I just
went a little dark um I had an
applesauce pouch while I was out so I
counted that as my lunch because by the
time I came home we started cleaning and
stuff and I just didn't have time to eat
and then for denter tonight I took a
video of it so I'll show it to you guys
but it's just stuffed stuffed zucchini
with beef and not exactly sure what all
my husband put in it but all i've
metalia it was really good and i had
plenty of calories to use up not saying
that i've used them all at one time but
my dinner was 600 calories but i still
have seven hundred and twenty calories
for the day nothing I'm gonna eat them
all um I won't probably eat anything
else because zucchini fills me up so but
it was an amazing dinner I was like yes
and then somebody had wrote me and was
saying you know that she wasn't sure if
I you know if I'd get upset that she was
suggesting some stuff for my children to
work with them and I just wanna let you
guys know I am so open to suggestions
and different tips and you know what I
may be a mom of three and I may have
done childcare for 24 plus years but it
doesn't mean I know everything and I
love hearing different stories from
people and what they've done to you you
know help their children or what you
guys may have done to keep your children
busy tearing times where they're just
bled please don't ever feel like you
guys can't
you know give me suggestions and tell me
your guys's tips and I love hearing all
of that stuff I do not take it
offensively I don't feel like people are
telling me what to do
I love hearing different different
stories and so any encouragement any
suggestions any tips any anything I
don't mind
in fact if anybody has any tips because
I've got potty training coming up and
I've got two that we're gonna be doing
this with any tips of potty training let
me know I've got a three to two year old
this is gonna be fun um but yeah I would
love to hear some tips and ideas of
maybe things you guys did helped you
especially when you have a
three-year-old that is stubborn as all
get-out and refuses to sit on the toilet
yeah this is gonna be fun
so I will definitely love to hear those
tips but other than that I think that
was pretty much the day of just wasn't
all over they especially with my little
cranky child she was just a mess I got
in the mail today from wish I forgot
that I ordered these so I was gonna show
you guys you know not that I uh wear
makeup don't oh I think I bought these
to use for nelle decorations or to use
to paint nails like to do different
designs but I ordered look at this there
are those little wedges don't wear
makeup but I got makeup stuff what I
open them I'm like what are these and
then it dawned on me I'm like oh these
are the things that you paint and you
can stamp your nail and make funny or
pretty different designs or something so
leave it to Amy I swear I've get myself
into trouble sometimes with the things
that I order cuz I never remember what I
ordered
anyways okay you guys you
take care and I hope you guys had a
wonderful Monday and I will see you guys
again tomorrow bye
[Music]
